Anaconda

1997 / Dir. Luis Llosa / Written by Hans Bauer and Jim Cash / Starring Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Jon Voight, and Eric Stoltz The scariest thing about this film is not the giant CGI snake. Heck, it’s not even the acting (although that is a close second). No, the only truly scary thing about Anaconda is the setting; entrenched in the Amazon, the filmmakers were actually able to pull off a seriously cringe-inducing scene where a scuba diver swallows a wasp caught in his oxygen tank. This and other hidden dangers of the jungle – including a discussion of the dreaded “penis fish” – make the setting easily the most fully developed and interesting character in the film. While many of the actors were on the verge of their big breaks (Own Wilson had just completed Bottle Rocket a year prior), even Hollywood veterans are not up to task; as a leery riverboat captain, Jon Voight’s shamefully bad idea of acting is to contort his face into a permanent grimace that looks as though he constantly is experiencing a foul stench. Despite all of this, however, Anaconda is surprisingly enjoyable if you’re looking for some schlocky special effects, killer one-liners (“is it just me or does the jungle make you really, really horny?”), and a something appealing to the eye rather than the intellect. If for nothing else, see it so you can make Jennifer Lopez jokes about the line in Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” that so eloquently states, “my Anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun!” Yeah, I’ve got a little schlock of my own. **